Samantha Mills
- May 24, 2023
- 5 min read

The Doors of Illusional Destruction

Updated: May 25, 2023

I look back before opening the door to the next room and notice I can no longer see where the first room began. How many times have I done this? This hallway has become so vast my eyes don’t see the person I was before I first went down this destructive road. I begin to wonder why I can’t hold myself in the light longer than a fleeting moment before I run as fast as I can to the next room of imprisonment.

As I walk into the new empty room my body is in stasis. My encapsulated shadows of trauma and loneliness begin to expel at a slow pace. The shell of lifeless black energy I created to hold down my guilt begin to resurface. The agony is met with emotional distress. The temptation to give up and plummet fully into nothingness eats away at my mind.

Yet something keeps me walking.

Each step gets less and less dark and I see a glimpse of what could be ahead. As I step mid-way through the room I begin to sense a desire to heal myself once more.

As I step further down the room a light from the window hits my face. I begin to feel the intensity of love and warmth. I feel myself regaining the strength and dignity I once felt inside of me.

My gifts begin to open and I long to feel a sense of peace. A slow desire to detach from my body and look inside of my soul. I feel all the love it has for me.

For a moment I am in complete awareness of this love that has been waiting for me to come home.

A loving essence of pure patience flashes quickly through my aching body.

Is it true? Could it be? I think to myself. I breathe in air that cleanses my heart and feel a sense of gratitude. Look at all the work I have done to get here I have created friends who see me and love me for who I am. I have found a job where I can be of service to others.

Have I finally stopped this treacherous cycle?

I feel a piece of God inside of myself and I feel I am finally closer to truth.

Then the sounds of crackling fire burn beneath my feet.

At the peak moment of freedom a wave so vast rushes over me as my anxiety burns from the inside. So I flee, not through the window but to the next door of destruction.

Believing it would save me I enter the next room.

I bury myself back in the sorrows of my unworthiness that my ego attaches to every neuron in my brain. My head pounds but hopelessness spreads to my heartbeat, as I yearn to make it stop forever.

Within me i feel the ego tether around my neck like a black energetic rope. As it's tightens on my neck I sink deeper into the unconscious mind in which it came from.

The fear of rejection settles in and I isolate in the corner of my new room.

Once again I had run away from all that was once there at the last window.

How much of a coward am I? How foolish to think I had been worthy of divine love. the questions taunt me as they repeat in my head. Did they even really love you? Was that truly God you felt? Would God have time for you? Someone who only lets people down isn’t worthy of that presence or love.

You aren’t enough.

The ego repeats these toxic words as I slowly shift into the misery of its cage.

I feel the darkness take over me as my heart closes in fear and my body becomes numb. As I hang in my empty cell run by the ego I created to destroy me I scream.

I scream but no voice is heard and the empty silence of pain leaves me lifeless.

Each time I choose to believe my ego over the love of the creator the ego wins. Each time I believe that to be healed or worthy of God is an impossible task I walk through the next door and leave the window.

I leave in fear of my guilt. Guilt I alone believed i was deserving of.

For far too long I kept walking through the doors and escaping into darkness instead of light. Yet to say that is even a paradox for there is no darkness. There is only the illusion that there is opposite to light.

We trap ourselves in our egos belief that to be worthy of love is to be worthy of the outside world.

The ego screams in your mind that what you do with your life defines how much you are worthy of the love in the window.

The ego is wrong.

When I was healing myself I still looked upon the outside as my viewpoint on how far I had come. I believed if I cared more for others and if I did enough work on myself to fix what felt so broken within me I’d be worthy.

The ego says I'm not worthy of acceptance but the truth knows differently.

Truth knows I was always accepted. Worthiness is my birthright and to believe differently is an illusion that truly is a foolish story to play.

The window was always there. Yet my ego’s mind creates the illusion that to see even a glimpse of warmth it gave me I must hit rock bottom and heal myself over and over again. Creating a false narrative that to feel love I must sacrifice joy and all that I Am.

I believed when the room began to burn around me that to ever see the love from the window again I had to sacrifice and destroy myself and begin the illusion all over.

The window in each room was symbolic of the love inside of me. Inside of god. Inside of you. Inside the plants, the animals, the water, and the air we breathe. All of it one. All of it divine perfection.

Yet how many of us fear this kind of love?

For its power is so intense and so beautiful that our ego defines it as scary. It does anything to keep us from going toward the window.

But don't you see? The window is you.

Everything else is the illusion.

There is no room, no doors, and no floors for your feet to step toward anything.

There is only the window. There is only love.