Be Body Positive Day 5:
A personal Story.
How I changed my view of what is Beautiful Forever.
About 7 years ago, during my Jr year, I finally hit that treacherous downward spiral.
The one that I had put off for as long as I could. My heart could no longer take the pain that it used to when I first begun to gain some weight back.
I felt nearly empty, a completely dark hole, with no light to cling to.
I had one motivating factor that never allowed me to venture away from what felt like a life full of disappointments.
The desire to lose weight, the need that called me.
It told me the lies and I wanted to believe them, so I did. If I was thin I could go back to school, and if I was thin I was okay with being alone.
My soul was soaked in darkness with a desire to be thin. It clouded my judgment and all parts of my life suffered because of it. For 3 years, that was it, and it began to feel impossible to live life without it.
My friends would begin to leave me behind, and some had already. I was forgotten in the depth of my addiction.
I had my eating disorder and it had me.
Even though this disease had brought me to my darkest hour, I clung to it to bring me back up. And as it promised, it did. I eventually fell thin. I fell back into what I knew to be happiness. I was social and joyful once more, and the cycle continued as I dragged along.
It was only a few years ago that I saw myself for more than just being thin. It took me that long to find something else about me I saw as good enough to have value. I missed out on a lot, high school dances, sleepovers I was no longer interested in having, and most importantly I lost friends I thought would stay loyal forever. But life goes on, and they had to move on too.
I wish I could have seen myself through the eyes of the friends I had back then. The ones who knew me best, before it all started. The people I completely trusted. The ones I had formed bonds that we held strong in our hearts, effortlessly. There is a beautiful acceptance that came with those girlfriends and it is an absence I still find myself holding onto. Not for the wrong reasons, or because I am angry, but because it reminds me to love the people I have now every day with all my heart.
It’s so different when you are young and lose such valuable friendships, that filled your life with laughter and with spirit. You forget that heartbreak can happen no matter who you lose, and it will come out no matter how long you hold that pain in. By the time I left Columbia, I felt so much of myself finally getting strung back together. My thick cloud drifting with me for years was now a single layer of smoke barely seen with my naked eye.
And sure, I lost myself again, with anxiety with life and the struggles we will always have, but this time I knew I was strong enough to be okay. Just saying those words out loud sends chills down my body.
Even when I am not okay, I know that I alone have the strength to lift myself back up.
I had lost my independence for a long time and now even when I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I could say to myself that I am okay, feel the calm rush over me as I take a sip of cool water and watch the moment fade away.
I hope to always find myself growing, never being satisfied with the version I feel is my best.
If I had done just that, I would never have found mediation. A new longing to learn from books about chakras, numerology, tarot readings, and universal practices made to keep you strong. With time I was able to put myself in a position where I can be writing to you now. I won't lie I meditate a lot more since being active again on social media.
But, not once have I felt under-appreciated, less valuable, or compared myself to someone else. Not one single time.
I know that my journey is not yours to care for in grave detail. But I do hope some part of what I said today resonated with you. There is no flip of the switch that dissipates all our problems. It’s not always fair that certain people go through more pain in life than others do. But remember that you choose what you do with that pain. You alone can choose to turn it into something beautiful. Something strong and full of life.
I used to be shy saying I was an empath, afraid I wouldn’t be taking it seriously. The knowledge I have gained and the more time I have spent just standing still with who I am, it was so clear to me that the rewards of that empathic ability only begin when I finally gave myself time to heal and to grow.
My aura began to shine as the negative parts I held onto were slowly let go. Power soak through my skin and the universe became my favorite source of energy. When I meditate out with the stars all around me I am drenched in the beauty of our vast endless sky. I feel the minerals through my feet, that which are planted firmly on the ground. They spread roots to the center of our earth’s core while my mind drifts away. I am effortlessly floating, while the ground beneath me moves with a smooth force as it turns our world around the sun.
If I didn’t know what beauty was before I certainly do now.
It’s breathtaking and full of magic I thought only to be in my wildest dreams. All that power I thought I would find in my beauty, was inside me all along. It was inside the trees that stand next to me on my porch and in the crisp air I breathe through my nose. I thought I could find happiness and control by depriving myself of nutrition, when nutrition was the real beauty.
I only wish to tell 17 years old me that I am here for her and that I love her for who she is.
Thank you all for letting me share my stories and being apart of such a significant month of growth with me. Please feel free to always comment, I would love to hear what you think or if you want me to do something specific one day for the be body positive challenge!
Much Love,
Sammy Mills